Crashing and Feeling the Burn

It was a stormy day my friends, as if the X Game Gods knew I was fresh meat for the Blanket Creek Bike Trail. The rain and winds were a tempest of fury and...um...ok, so it was more of a brief sprikle...and the wind was not as ferocious as it was refreshing. Never the less! Attempting my first mountain biking experience felt like a daunting endeavour.

Before I left the comfort and safety of my office, people all day long were saying things like "Make sure you don't look at the trees on either side of you, because your front tire will go where you are looking" or " Man, make sure you don't use the front brake before you use the back one or, well...you know (at this point they made a crashing sound as they acted out my certain and impending death by mountain bike)" and my favorite " You have your will up to date?". I decided that this was my make or break moment, I got my bike loaded, put the key into my SUV's ignition, said a silent prayer...and headed out to Blankets Creek.

As I pulled up to the "loading/unloading" parking lot area, there were a ton of trucks and jeeps packed with bikes and riders wearing waaaaaaay too tight shorts. Not sure the purpose of these shorts, but I know that I will not be caught dead in them. Anyway, I unloaded my Dimondback bike and joined the rest of my group. I am now a memeber of the Tekla Cardiac Club, this group mainly consists of co-workers and like minded individuals...as I said before, I must be their version of a 'fitness intervention'.

We started out on the Mosquito Flats trail, this was a relatively easy trail that meandered through the forrest with little to no incline, fast down hills, or jumps. After biking this trail my confidence was pretty high and I was beginning to wonder what the big deal was...that's when it happended.

The leader of the group me asked what trail I would like to do next "You can either take the Mosquito Bite trail and live to talk about it...or you can ride with us and take the Dwelling trail and see how the rest of your week goes." (big grin on his face BTW). I thought for a moment, and of course my pride over ruled my better judgement and I proceeded to the Dwelling Trail.

The Dwelling Trail is a intermediate course with rolling hills, jumps, and tricky terain...I should have stuck with the "bunny slopes", what I lacked in stamina I made up for in mistakes. I was in the wrong gear 98% of the time so climbing hills felt like I was dragging a school bus through the mud. When I was going down hill I manged to hit every bump and small obsticle along the way. During one of my many haroing decents down the mountain I miss judged a turn and headed off the trail strait for a tree at about 150 miles per hour (give or take a few mph's). I jerked the bike to the right and flew off my bike past the tree and clashed with a resunding thud on the unforgiving dagger rocked trail about a 100 yards away from my bike (give or take a few yards).

Luckly my buddy was riding right behind me and wittness the horrifc accedent (he doesn't think it was that bad), he road up to crater I had caused by my landing and asked if I was ok . I didn't answer right away, I simplly laid there spralled out on my back staring up at the gigantic forrest trees gently swaying in the wind and I realized two things: 1. As odd as it sounds, the crash was a kind of 'awaking' for me. I felt like I was really out there doing something and I never felt so empowered and energized in my all my life...and 2. Squirrels can laugh...loudly. they are spitfull little creatures.

I picked myself up, dusted myself off, dislodged my bike from the tree and got back on the perverbial horse. I was tired, covered in sweet, blood was flowing from my arms and legs, and I FELT AWESOME! I was ready to finnish strong, I attacked the trail like a man possessed and was really getting into a rhythm...until my bike chain broke. (sigh) I was almost 2.8 miles into this 4 mile trail when this happened...I had to walk my bike the rest of the way. But I did finnish the trail, bloodied and soiled with sweet and dirt, I limped across the imaginary finnish line. As I loaded my bike into the SUV, a phrase entered my mind that I thought was definitively poignant at that time. "Old men never regret the things they did, only the things they did NOT do." I think this can be a montra I can get behind, I don't want to miss out on any of life's adventures...even the painful ones. mountain biking is going to be a constant from here on...I just need to get a new chain and load up on bandaids.

More to come...

Sit on Your Butt and Do Something!

Sweet Mother McCree, Looks like it is cross training time! In my continued effort to turn my abs…well back into abs, I am going to attempt mountain biking today. I haven’t been on a bike since I started to drive a car, so this should be interesting. I went to Wally World last night and purchased some necessary items: bike tubes, check. Helmet, check. Gloves, check. Balls of steel? (Sigh) it appears with age comes much wisdom…and fear of injuring one’s self. I keep picturing me biking down the mountain at brake neck speed with a trail of fire behind me and my girlish screams shattering the tranquility of my forest surroundings. I used to live for the rush of the great unknown, now I just want to live, period. I hope I can add this to my list of things that I love to do and provides a great deal of exercise…placing the alarm clock on the other side of the room is just not going to cut it anymore.

More to come…

It's True! I'm going to run in the ING Marathon next year. More to come, stay tuned!!!!

Heavy Thoughts

For those that truly know me, know that I rarely ‘stick with’ something for any extended period of time. School…nope…Not drinking beer during weekdays…Not so much…Do the dishes right after making dinner…Uh, no…Not make my wife crazy with my constant shenanigans…what do you think?

Anyway, going to the gym consistently seems to be teetering on that edge of ‘Let’s Go!’ and ‘Definitely Tomorrow’. So what’s a guy to do? Back in the day, being in shape was always an easy thing for me. Today however I find that my belly and brain our at odds with one another. My belly wants it all, and my brain wants it all gone! I know I’m not as active as I once was; I used to surf and play basketball all the time…now I watch basketball and dream about the ocean. I have been hiding behind being busy with work and not getting enough rest at night bla, bla, bla…truth is I have been busy with work, but I’m not working 23 hour days in a physically demanding occupation, I'm in a nice air conditioned office with a nice view...plus I stay up waaaaaaaay to late watching NBA playoffs and marathons of deadliest catch.

So fed up and out of excusesI sheepishly went back into the gym yesterday after a several week hiatus and found that I actually missed working out (Gasp!) Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m sore as a two dollar whore today…but I think my brain might just be getting a tad bit stronger that my belly!

Lifting and Tightening and Bear Crawls….Oh MY!

With my heart condition somewhat under control and out of further excuses, it’s back to the gym I go. I’ve switched things up a bit this time around, my wife and I are working out together….and no, that’s not some veiled reference for marital Koitus. We are working out with our personal trainer Dustin, who has me doing, what, can only be described as a spastic calisthenics/comedy routine with heavy emphasis on me frequently collapsing in a heap of gasping profanities…My wife often finishes the sets for the both of us. Lifting weights is likened to a stroll in the park via a fully mobile lazy boy recliner compared to the frenzy of up-down, back and forth business. Don’t get me wrong, I like the results I’m seeing so far and Dustin is spot on as far as a trainer and around stand up guy…But I’m sore all over and tonight…It begins again. I now realize why ‘muscle heads’ are always pissed off and looking for a fight, it’s not that they’re assholes…They’re just in a tremendous amount of pain all the time! Anyway that’s the ‘skinny’ on what’s been going on lately…

Da na na na na na Fatman!!!

Why are, fat people or robust individuals, regarded as lepers in American society? We’ve been taught/conditioned to believe that slim equals healthy right? So why do we call a woman that has gained a few pounds a “healthy girl”? Men are always asked, “What is your favorite part of a woman, legs, Boobs or Ass?” Do you know that 67% of the men asked this question picked boobs? And almost all them answered that they would not mind if their lady had a little more to go around. Bigger girls’ usually have bigger breasts right? Wouldn’t that ring true if you were into legs or ass also? Ask any frat boy in America and he will tell you that a ‘fat girl’ is more accommodating in bed, because according to them they are trying to over compensate for their poor self image. So what is the alternative, secretly have amazing sex but publicly date a skinny cold fish? Some countries around the world savor a corpulent person; Africa, India, Polynesian, Hispanic and African American cultures, just to name a few. I for one think that actress Megan Fox is a knock out, but I wouldn’t mind sinning with Grey’s Anatomy actress Sara Ramirez either. Note: I am not a follower of Grey’s Anatomy…I’m not gay, that discussion is for a different blog. When can a person be too skinny? If a guy has a slight build he is a wimp, if a girl diets obsessively, she is a skeleton. I am really getting into working out and staying fit, but am I doing this because I feel lethargic, unenergetic, tired and my health is in distress? Or because when I take off my shirt I want to hear “Good God he’s hot!” Instead of “Good Lord he’s fat!”

Heart Attack, Shmeart Attack

So I went to the doctor and…hold on I have a joke…


"I'm so worried" the patient said as the nurse prepped him for surgery “Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of pneumonia!" "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."


Anyway, I met with a cardiologist on Friday and after some poking, prodding and paperwork, the Doctor thinks that I have an irregular heart beat…yeah, no sh*t doc, why else am I here?! He speculates that my shortness of breath could be caused by fluid leaking into my lungs due to blockage of flow through and around my heart. Nothing is consequential yet, I am still waiting for the test results. I am going back into the gym this week; I have to get back on the horse or whatever. I have gained a ton of weight back over the last two weeks and I really hate the feeling of sliding down a slippery slope of lethargy and into a shirt-that-barley-looks-like-it-fits-when-I’m-standing-and-definitely-is-too-small-when-I-sit-down kind of wardrobe. My trouser top button is holding on like Vince Vaughn on the gymnastic rings via Old School “Still holding…STILL HOLDING!”

More to come...

Pangs

Man, I feel like crap.
I haven’t been to the gym in over a week and it is really starting to show physically and mentally. I do have a reason for my self-imposed émigré from the fitness center…I have been having some erratic and painful chest pains…or is it pangs? Why is it that ‘pangs’ is only pared with hunger? I personally like the word Pang… the word resonates when uttered and has a lingering effect of whimsical sincerity…Anyway, I have been experiencing these chest pangs for over 3 years and have done nothing about it…dumb I know. “Pride cometh before a fall…” as the saying goes. I have no legitimate reason for not going to the doctor about this…I just try not to think about it. My symptoms use to happen maybe 3-5 times a year; I thought nothing of it and would push through the pangs and carry on as though nothing was wrong. Recently, as in this last year, my chest pangs have increased to once or twice a week. My heart starts to beat rapidly and irregularly, I have shortness of breath and fatigue. Am I over exerting myself when this pang strikes? Nope, I could be sitting down perfectly calm and Bam!, it’s on. My wife is very concerned and I am…intrigued, to see what the deal is with my unruly heart. So I have an appointment booked with a cardiologist this week. Most likely it’s nothing and I just get an excuse to not do my ‘honey do list’ for a week.

Sweating Whiskey...

I’ll have you all know I am ‘as sore as a two dollar whore’ today! My personal trainer (what up, Dustin) had me doing these leg exercises called Sumos on Saturday…They were super intense…I mean If someone was using this as a form of torture - I would have spilled the beans about whatever they wanted to know!
Anyway, did I mention that I went to the gym at 9:30am on a Saturday? That’s right; I crawled out of bed, and trudged into the gym (as I if was walking the green mile) and proceeded to sweat out Friday’s beer and whiskey conchairto. As I strapped myself into a leg press/medieval tortures device, I felt a feeling of accomplishment, albeit undeserved, it was there nonetheless…I also felt the nausea associated with early morning hangover and well…effort, I guess. My workout session lasted just under an hour and after word I felt really proud of my self…so much so that I went out and had Mexican food, beer and whatever else I could find…(sigh) well , I guess the working out part is becoming a little easier…Now I got work on the willpower to not eat the ‘so good but so bad for you food’ part ;0)

Habit?...I can quit anytime

Ok, so I strayed a wee bit from my health plan this last Friday, I drank like a fish. But all is not lost, today I have a workout session with my personal trainer and that should put me back on the straight and narrow.



Now let’s talk about habits, specifically what constitutes a good habit or bad habit? Isn’t having a habit of any kind a bad thing? Like a smoking habit, drinking habit, spending habit, a keep going to M. Knight Shyamalan movies hoping for something remotely watchable habit, etc. The dictionary (and no I am not going to freaking site this like I’m in English class) defines a habit as: An acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. Involuntary!? Like uncontrollable? Dude, I don’t want to run a million miles a day and eat carrots dipped in wheat paste or whatever. I just want to able to take off my shirt in public without apologizing for the moobs I got going on because my metabolism decided to take the rest of my life off…um, where was I?...OK -I just want to be healthy without losing my God given right to eat a pizza the size of a flying saucer and drink a beer…or twelve-without ‘Johnny Washboard-abs’ giving me the business…that being said I did make ground turkey meat tacos instead of ground beef tacos on Sunday and loved them. In fact I’m going to make a habit of only…buying…wait a second...Awe Crap. IT STARTED ALREADY!!!!!!!

Here is a Top Ten you know when you’re fat when…

10. You realize that revenge is not the only dish best served cold.

9. You make an unavoidable grunt when struggling to rise from a comfortable position.

8. You think an all You Can Eat Buffett sounds like a challenge not a just a place to eat.

7. The food network is not as boring as it used to be.

6. You growing out a beard just to make it seem like you have a jaw line ala George Lucas “the denial is strong in this one”.

5. You going to a fast food place is like going to a porn shop. You go in and don’t look at anyone directly, look at the list of options hurriedly lest anyone you know recognizes you, pay for you item(s) and high tale it out of there to enjoy your ill gotten gains in the comfort of your own home…napkins are a must.

4. The phrase “once around the block” sounds as daunting as “this might sting a little”.

3. You sit down and it looks like your belt slammed into your waistline and an air bag has been set off around your mid section.

2. You believe a sign that reads “Just take One” seems to violate your civil rights.

1. The current President of the United States Looks better in a bathing suit than you do.

Day Won...I didn't

Ok, so I was talking to a friend today...wait I just lied, I was emailing her (can't believe I started my first blog with a falsehood) anyhoo, I was talking about going to the gym and eating right bla,bla,bla...and I said I should write a blog about all this, Kinda like a motivation to go forth and better my self. As if a personal trainer, my wife (awesome body by the way) and oh yeah did I mention I'm heavier than I have ever been in my life! Isn’t enough motivation, no, I go and start something like this.

Ok, here I go...I eat all the wrong stuff, drink waaay too much, and have a taste for fine cigars...um, yeah...not the makings for a real mister universe here.

We all read about how fat America is, and how we all need to be in "shape"...Dude, "shape" I got plenty of...I need definition and Motivation...and a burrito...sorry was craving and writing there for a second. Look, I was or am all gung ho about working out and loosing a few lbs...But I...relapse sometimes, moments...er hours/months of indulgences at a time and what not. I just want what everybody wants...to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

If you continue to read my future blogs know this...I love to ramble, I use improper punctuation and my grammar ghastly, I spell shit wrong and I will absolutely, positively write the gods honest truth...as long as it doesn’t make me look like to much of a jackass.By the way...I did not work out today (see, unabashed honesty already)...and no, it wasn't because Lost was on tonight or my car broke down...I just didn't go. (Sigh) as a wise person once said: "The past is the past the future is unknown but the present is a gift...that's why it's called a present." Ha! That had absolutely no baring on this current thought...But it sounded cool, yeah? That combined with washboard abs is all that matters right?

More to Come...